note to self: on conversation hearts

Note to Self: I realize that you thought you were being smart by eating only half the bag of conversation hearts in one sitting—as compared to the past when you've eaten a whole bag—but that is still 23 conversation hearts too many.

And I'm not sure why you thought this would be a good post-workout snack; sugar is not, contrary to what many breakfast cereals may want you to believe, the foundation of a champion.

It serves you right, in fact, that you are now craving all the fruits and vegetables in all the world. Eating so much healthy goodness just may cover over the multitude of your conversation heart sin.

So, please: You are {and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad} old enough to know better. I know conversation hearts come around just once a year, but please, next year, show that you're good at savoring pleasure and eat the hearts over the course of a week or so.

If that feels like too much, consider aiming for at least a day. You can space out the conversation hearts over the course of a day, and just think of the hours of pleasure you'd get from that! Hours and hours of tiny shots of sugary joy!

Mostly, though, think of how you won't feel sick afterwards.

{You know you've reached a certain kind of life low when your goal for Valentine's Day is: Don't feel sick.}